I have been said many things.
Today,
I am cocky
I am reckless
I am boastful
I am self centered
I am a narcisst
Okay, i accept it.
I am all those things.
But would you believe me if i say, that all of those attribute that was labeled upon me, made me who i am today?
Made me the Pandji Pragiwaksono you know today?
The guy, the broadcaster, the presenter, the rapper, the bookwriter, the entrepreneur, the teacher.
I used to be, a very shy kid.
Shyt, shy is a better word to describe who i was…
In elementry use to always wear long socks up to my knee coz im embarassed if people can see my euh.. uhmm.. whaddyou call “borok” in english?
I use to cry when people mock me for what i am.
I used to feel awkward crossing the streets, because i cant stand thinking that when i cross the street, all those people driving those cars that stopped, were lookin at me.
I used to pee in my pants coz im too embarassed to walk up the class and tell my teacher that i wanted to go to the bathroom.
I used to be scared to death every single day in class, paranoid that the teacher might point at me and tell me to answer the task on the blackboard. Which i cant.
Teacher, kids ridiculed me.
Or so i thought they were.
And because of that, i was afraid to try anything.
Afraid that if i failed, people will mock me, ridicule me.
I cant stand that.
So because i was afraid to fail, i started to act funny.
I thought, being funny was my escape.
People wouldnt mock me for being stupid, they will think i was just being funny.
And i can try things!
If i try things and fail, i’ll just make fun of myself!
So in Junior high, i started cracking jokes.
At least if i cant answer the question on the blackboard, i can laugh about myself.
By that, i get other kids to laugh too.
So one day, i wasnt a shy kid anymore.
I was the funny kid.
Everybody liked me.
Especially, the bully.
The shy kid i was, avoided everything. By that, the shy kid avoided the bullies.
The funny kid, now in high school was inside the circle of kids at school, by that, the funny kid found himself a part of the bullies.
But it wasnt fun.
The funny kid got bullied.
Stripped naked.
The funny kid acccepted. It was his role to make others laugh.
Paid for this and that.
The funny kid accepted. It was his role to make others happy.
Got beaten.
The funny kid accepted. Funny kids dont fight.
Have you ever seen Jughead fought back?
Have you ever seen Shaggy fought back?
One day, he overheard a friend who had a conversation:
“Gapapa lagi, Pandji ga akan marah. Apalagi ngelawan”
That felt weird to me back then. Back when i was the funny kid.
That was what people thought of me.
“I never fight back”
This made me feel uneasy.
So i started finding other friends.
I started to approach kids that are outside the mainstream school kids.
I approached the underdogs.
Kids that are considered outgrouped.
Not bullies.
Not the cool kids.
Just kids that didnt fit in for some reason.
The outkast.
The villain.
I was like Anakin Skywalker before becoming Darth Vader, a part of one side, but also close to the other. With probably the same ammount of rage.
With them, i get to see another point of view.
Those kids, were quite. But they are not silent.
They say things.
They are preparing.
They wish to win back.
They have a mission.
The mission was to prove the world.
COOL!
So i became a double agent.
Im still a part of the cool kids (incl the bullies, the bullies are always a part of the cool kids)
But also a part of the outkast.
Things started to go well, in college, again, i lived this life.
Until one day, i was cast a betrayer to the cool kids.
I cast away from them and went to the uncool kids. The outkast.
But they we’re nothing but talk.
They dont do stuff.
They talk and talk about how they hate this and that.
They talk and talk about how if they are in position they will do this and that.
They talk and talk and talk and talk and they never even move from where they stand.
…
Which leads to another question.
WHERE DO I STAND?
All i want to do, is to DO.
Not doing anything, denies me being alive!
COGITO ERGO SUM
I THINK, THEREFORE I EXIST.
Where’s my existence?
Im tired of being a shadow.
Im tired of being shy.
Tired of being a funny kid that’s actually a loser
Im tired of being an underdog that never proves anything.
I just want to do something.
A close friend of mine one day told me
“You cant make everybody happy”
His words at 1st, didnt mean anything for me.
But a series of loss finally made sense of it.
“I cant make everybody happy”
“Well, then, its time to make MYSELF happy”
So i started to develop myself.
I became this person that does everything that i want to do.
Everything my way.
If people told me i cant, i wont listen.
Im tired of listening to what others have to say.
I dont care if they’re right.
If i dont do this, i will never know im wrong. Except from the words that others are saying.
But then again, actually kissing will never be the same, as if someone told you what kissing feels like.
So i do things my way.
I failed even more.
I fell and fell and fell again.
I failed a lot.
But this time, i dont care, and this time, i learned.
Everytime i failed, i smiled, coz that means, im learning something.
Failure, sometimes hurts me to the bone.
But i know where i’ve been, im stronger.
Shyt, i’d rather hurt myself by my own hand, than being hurt by other people’s hand.
TODAY
I have been said many things.
I am cocky
I am reckless
I am boastful
I am self centered
I am a narcisst
Okay, i accept it.
I am all those things.
I am all those things, and i was even more.
I have been a lot of things in my life.
But what i have always been, was that i WILLED my way.
I never accept BULLSHYT.
I refused.
I WILLED MY WAY.
From a shy kid, to the funny kid, to the bullied kid, to the castaway, to the guy i am today…
I WILLED MY WAY.
Today, when i do things, or when i want things, when i got so bullheaded about something, when i forced people about somethings, it wasnt an attitude.
It was a movement.
The movement is called : I DONT ACCEPT BULLSHYT.
I dont care if they hate me.
I dont have problem with them, so if they hate me, well that’s their loss.
When i want things, i get it.
If i cant, i will know.
I aint stupid.
Shyt i learned things.
I know when to stop.
I know a dead end when i see one.
But i also know a BULLSHYT excuses when i see one.
I will stop if i cant move anymore.
but if i can still see light to it.
I go for it.
Shyt man, im Jason Statham in CRANK.
I dont stop.
If people want to block my way.
They will have to get use to me.
Coz by God, if they dont move away, i WILL drag them with me.
Make em see what happens, when I WILL MY WAY.
Make em see, how i became the person i am today.
Remember this line forever:
PRESSURE MAKES DIAMONDS.
MY WILL IS MY PRESSURE.
NOW, LET ME SHINE.
Ramayana Hotel.
Room 723.
Bali, Indonesia.
01.00 WITA.
T-23 hours.
222 Responses to “I willed my way (L.A.W)”
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